The last couple of weeks have not been kind.
Last week when I still hadn't gotten my financial aid refund, I called, was told I was "over need" and wouldn't be getting my money.
Cue complete freak out.
To no avail.
This week I went down to campus. Turns out my TAship puts in a placeholder of how much tuition they WILL pay, which is not what GETS paid, and this on paper appeared as though I was getting help I wasn't.
Financial aid said it was the Office of Graduate Studies issue. And vice versa.
Yesterday's visit resulted in a "we'll sort it" issue, an assurance that part of my money would post soon, the Bursar's office telling me that I might (or might not) get money this week, and if I didn't call back.
The rest of the money should be released once FA and OGS sort things out.
I have spent the last week panicking because rent is due. And I like to eat, and at one point was facing possibility of not getting any of my student loan money. And I know what it's like to be poor, that things don't work out, and that worry is completely justified.
I wrote in depth on this earlier, but mention it again here because dissertation and revising does not happen in a vaccuum. These economic issues affect how we write. Whether we CAN write. I had drafting the introduction on last week's planner. I had drafting the conclusion on this week's plan. I managed to get both done, and sent off to my director but I don't hold a lot of hope that they're good, because I've been stressed, worried, and in my own head.
This past week I also heard that I would NOT be able to attend graduation, as it falls when I'm presenting at Kzoo. Which upset me, because I've worked really hard, and I wanted to be celebrated on that day.
Then I thought, well, celebrating the actual defense makes more sense, so that will be cool. Except my family won't come.
So it has just seemed like one hit after the other. Like I just could not catch a break.
So I admit, it's been hard to focus on drafting the introduction and conclusion, and hard to focus on revisions.
In fact this is pretty much how I'm feeling about revisions:
Everything is so close.
And yet so far away.
I had already submitted the third round of chapter two and three but had put off addressing my director's chapter one notes because I was waiting for feedback on it from another.
This week I heard I wouldn't be getting it.
But I do very much feel like I'm in limbo.
I'm at the point where I get draft notes, I fix them, I send them back, I wait.
At some point this ends right?
Someone asked me about my timeline and I explained I was working on round 3 revisions, was hoping this round I could get approved to send to committee members, and then would start on round 4 (and hopefully the final) round of revisions. They asked why four rounds.
I didn't understand the question.
Um, because I don't have room for five with a summer defense?
I don't know.
I will say that working on chapter one round three revisions today I tried to focus on the positives. That there were pages, and pages, and pages of the 50+ page chapter with no notes at all. A lot of the notes were minor. This is a pretty big deal.
While I'm not sure what the feedback will be, the introduction and conclusion are drafted and sent off.
Chapters 1-3 round three revisions are finished, and off to director.
I should have chapter 4-6 notes by mid February and will have a check in meeting then with my director.
So that means I have the next couple weeks off.
Kind of. I need to draft my PCA/ACA conference paper on Cinderella revisions. I need to draft my ACLA paper on Constantine. But I'm not worried about those.
An Anglo-Saxonist Twitter connection offered to read chapter one for content issues, so that will help.
It's hard when the hits just keep coming, to focus on or even see a lifeline, the positive.
But I'm trying.
I emailed extended family and friends and updated them on the no graduation, but asked if they wanted to come to the defense. I'm going to focus on that and not that my family won't come.
I will focus on the fact that I continue to apply for jobs, got my NM high school teaching license, and got a great teaching focused letter written for me.
I will continue to remind myself that I am graduating.
I will try to focus on solutions instead of being overwhelmed with the negative.
I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing the work in front of me, until there's nothing else to be done.